For My Dad

What can I say about my father that I haven’t already said at some point during my blogging years?

Maybe I’m writing this because I have really felt the need to see his grave again, and I will this summer, because I haven’t been back to it since I was 17.  Or maybe it is because I feel like he might be proud of me, and maybe this is my way of letting him know?  Can the dead read blogs?

In any event, I miss my dad all the time, I just don’t dwell on it like I used to.  My dad’s death took a huge toll on me and really shaped my teenage years.  Having a father dying of AIDS is something no child should have to ever experience, but I did, and I think I can safely say I have finally made peace with it.

Last year on March 9, it was the 20th anniversary of my father’s passing.  At 7:30PM in a Panorama City hospice, March 9, 1991, my father died of AIDS while I stood by him, holding his left knee.  I didn’t think it was real, and thought he was playing a prank.  He was a big prankster, and I thought this was a big joke, but obviously, it wasn’t.

Me and my dad didn’t always have a great relationship, but I was definitely loyal to him and I still am.  If it were not for my dad, I would not be where I am today.  My dad is my inspiration to do better all the time, because that’s how he was.  He worked hard for everything he had and in the end, that’s the legacy he left me with.

This year, I want to be happy.  I don’t want to remember that moment 21 years ago and I want to celebrate life because I know my dad would want that.  He would want me to be happy and successful, so I guess this is my way of honoring that.  It’s Valentine’s Day, and I am writing a blog to my dad because I never got the chance to say I loved him while he was dying.  I took it really hard, and I avoided him most of the time, but in the end, I was there.  I was the only one of his four children in the room with him as he took his last breath.  I don’t want to remember him like that anymore.

I want to remember him as he was when he was well.  I want to remember his laugh, what his voice sounded like and the kind of music he listened to when we would take road trips from California to Arizona all the time.  I want to remember how mad he would get if I farted and how he would talk in funny voices saying he was an alien named Sammy the Spaceman with a girlfriend named Sally the Spacegirl.  I want to remember how he sat me on his lap when I was 10 years old and told me not to let boys do things to me because I was becoming pretty.  Most of all, I want to remember how he used to pretend he was Santa on Christmas morning and wake me up by yelling, “Ho Ho Ho!” from the living room.  I want to remember the good times.

I remember the bad times too, but that’s part of life and without them, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good times.

He liked to be called Bob.  His name was Robert.  I just called him Dad or Daddy.

I love you, Daddy!  :)

 

Slim Whitman, “I Remember You”

 

 

Here are a few pictures of me when I was a little kid, too.  :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Random, Philosophical Moment

I wasn’t even going to write this.  I thought about it a couple of days ago, and said to myself that I would wait until tomorrow.  Tomorrow came and went and now it’s today.  Confused yet?  Yeah, well…so am I.

What if I told you that you could have anything you want?  Would you believe me?  I would be lying in essence, because some things are never meant to be, but for the most part, if you try hard enough, you can.  Why, though, does it seem that some people get more than they deserve while others are left pining for scraps left on the ground by the ungrateful?

I am not bitter, not at all actually.  Quite the contrary, in fact.  I am happy with my life.  Sure, there could be more to it, but I have lived through a lot and am in a comfortable place now.  You would never know by looking at me or talking to me that I have been through many nightmares, and I probably would never talk about them because I hate it when people think I am trying to tell them some sob story to gain sympathy.  Sympathy is counterproductive, in my opinion.  While it can be helpful to the psychic vampire, it is definitely a hindrance to someone if they are to live to their fullest potential.  Empathy is well received by me, because it means that person knows what I am going through and can help me in the way I need it, if I need it.  Not that I’m really going through anything in particular, but I think you get my drift.

I have been thinking a lot, I do that sometimes, and I have realized that in recent years, I have developed a fear of intimacy.  This is not something I ever thought I would have a problem with because I am naturally a very loving and affectionate person, but I am tired of being hurt, used, lied to and back-stabbed.  I do not think all people are bad, but I do not want to set myself up for heartbreak so I close myself off most of the time.

Wah wah wah…cry me a river, right?  Yeah, well, I don’t really cry either.  Maybe I should.  Tears can be healing, but unless I am in a situation where I feel helpless, I don’t cry.  Everything can be helped.  Everything can be changed to some degree.  Having hope is healing, though it can be crippling, but if you are realistic about hope and stay positive, that in itself is enough to sustain you.

I have never really been one to cry on someone else’s shoulder.  I am always the one others seek out when they need a shoulder to cry on.  I think this is a good thing to be depended on, but it has its moments where I feel that I am needed too much.  This makes me appear cold at times, which I am not, but something has to be preserved for myself, you know?  I can’t give it all away.

I am being very introspective, I know, but I needed this.  I do not keep a diary aside from this blog.  I have several blogs, but it seems I have really developed a strong attachment to this one.  I am myself here.  You know me.  I’d give you a hug, but it’s kind of hard to touch you through a computer.  :)

In closing, I would just like to say thank you for reading this.  I am not really looking for any kind of answer, I just needed to write this and make sense of what I am feeling.

 

How Ustream May Have Saved My Life

I remember it was a year ago this month I thought for sure I was going to be a victim of murder.

Living with a significant other prior to marriage is something I was never opposed to in the past because I viewed it like this:  If you’re going to marry someone, you should know how they are at all times before you take the plunge; witness their habits, sleep with them to see if they snore all night or not, determine if your living habits mesh or if they clash.  Basically, I used to think it was better to live with someone else before I accepted their marriage proposal.

After three failed relationships where I lived with a significant other for at least a year, I no longer think this is right for me.

 

My mother says I’m too demanding, and maybe this is true, but I think I deserve the best and won’t settle for less.  My open-mindedness and ability to have an open heart have gotten me further in life than naught, and I’ve experienced more than my mother has by NOT settling, so if that makes me more demanding than her, I will take that as a compliment.

Most victims of child abuse become abusers, or become involved with abusive relationships later in life because that is all they know.  Everything stems from childhood, it would seem.  I suppose I could blame my circumstances on bad parenting, and it would be understandable if I did so, but I’m not the type of person to point fingers, I just call it like I see it.  A spade is a spade is a spade.

Last September, I was living with my ex, who I will leave nameless because he would just enjoy it too much if I mentioned him by name.  We had been through rocky patches in our relationship of four years, but we always made it through, and this made me think that maybe it was worth it.  I had lived with him for a year before all this, moved out, got my own apartment for two years and kept in contact with him during that time.  He seemed to have some issues with anger, which is why I moved out after the first year.  I should have stayed gone, I know that now, but I didn’t.  I let my heart lead me to this precarious situation, and that’s the last time I’ll second guess myself.

In September of last year, he started to sexually assault me while I was sleeping.  Of course, he justified it saying I was his girlfriend and he was just trying to turn me on.  After I told him that I didn’t like what he was doing, he apologized at first.  He waited a week or so and started doing it again.  I could have called the cops on him and pressed charges against him, but I didn’t think it would stick because there was no physical evidence of sexual assault, just my word against his, and I was living with him, not the other way around.

 

 

His family got involved after he started having temper tantrums nearly every day because I wouldn’t have sex with him.  He told his family about our lack of sex, and his own mother tried giving me suggestions to turn him on.  This was the most disgusting conversation I’ve ever had.  For one, if I had been his mother, I would have told him to deal with his sex life and leave me out of it, but I guess when you financially support your 35 year old son with no misgivings whatsoever, you are not in the right mindset to say no to anything he asks of you.

There is so much more to the horrifying, incest-ridden tale of my ex and his family, but my point is this:  When the going got tough, I moved all my belongings [except for my couch and one of my TVs] into a spare bedroom and hid from him as he screamed at me, running around the place like a mental patient, spit flying out of the corners of his mouth as he yelled for whatever reason, and threw away my food.  I became a prisoner in my own home, but this way, I didn’t have to worry about crossing his path.  However, he started breaking in my room at night and sexually assaulting me again.  I called police, and while one officer understood me and told me I had the right to obtain an order of protection against him so he couldn’t return to his home, another one sided with him and said he could throw me out right that very minute if he wanted to.  The problem was, his parents owned the place, and since they said I could be there, he really had no say so.  Especially since I could prove I paid rent.  Cancelled checks come in very handy in times like that.

After all that mess, I set up an account at Ustream.  It might still be there, but I haven’t gone back to watch it since I moved out of Arizona.  Don’t have any desire to.  In any event, I publicized the account and set it up to record live footage of my “storage room” life, so that if he did decide to break in and stick his nose where it didn’t belong, I would have evidence of the assault, and would do everything I could to make sure he was convicted of rape, put behind bars and given the justice he deserves.  Preferably by a very large inmate.

 

 

For any women reading this, or men who are being abused, regardless of how old you are or how long you’ve been stuck in an abusive relationship, this might help you.  If you have access to a webcam, RECORD THE ABUSE.  In my case, my ex was very vigilant about cyber-stalking me so he knew all about the Ustream account.  This worked in my favor because at least he stopped screaming outside the door and breaking in.  He didn’t want anyone else but me to witness that, even though his parents probably knew about it, too, which is why they leave him secluded in that ghetto ass apartment.

Thank God I’m out of that situation, but I was reminded of it again after watching Hoarders on A&E.  My life felt like that, but the saddest part is that I’m a total neat freak, and only lived like that because if I didn’t, I might actually be dead by now.

If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse, here are some resources that may be helpful to you:

Safe Horizon

RAINN

National Domestic Violence Hotline

And don’t move in with someone unless you are engaged and have set a date to be married, or you are already married.  I’m never doing that again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

100 Things to Do Before I Die

I think this would be called a “Bucket List.”

 

Honoring my 100th blog post here, I decided to include 100 things I’d like to accomplish before I die.  The biggest challenge was coming up with things I haven’t already done yet.  This made me realize how much I’ve lived, even at my age, which I’m not telling you.  I’ve done a lot, and if I died tomorrow, I couldn’t really complain.  Literally.

 

But…there is so much more to life that I want to experience and share.  Here is my bucket list:

 

1)       Tour Europe

2)       Meet Criss Angel

3)       Meet Nikki Sixx

4)       Visit Yellowstone National Park

5)       Get my PhD

6)       Buy three homes

1. One in Nevada
2. One in Hawaii
3. One in Louisiana

7)      Visit all 50 of the United States, even those I’ve been to before

8)       See my old house in California [where I lived as a kid]

9)      Get married

10)    Have at least one kid

11)    Buy an Infiniti G37

12)    Gamble for an entire weekend, without going broke

13)    Scale a mountain

14)    Visit South Africa

15)    Visit Australia

16)   Visit China

17)   Meet Rob Zombie

18)   Go deep sea diving

19)   Invent something

20)   Buy a horse

21)   Play a part in a movie, like a walk-on role or an extra

22)   Write at least 10 books

23)   Be published by a major publisher at least once

24)   Capture something huge on video

25)   Help save someone’s life

26)   Get breast implants [I can wait until 50 for this, I would rather wait]

27)   Start a charity organization

28)   Make amends with everyone I have wronged

29)   Forgive everyone who has wronged me

30)   Teach something

31)   Inspire a child

32)   Help save as many animals as I can

33)   Create something immortal

34)   Visit someone who’s dying and has no one

35)   Write a song

36)   Improve my relationship with my mother

37)   Understand my mother

38)   Give someone a job

39)   Start a movement

40)   Help an addict overcome their addiction

41)   Help find a cure for A.I.D.S.

42)   Adopt at least one child

43)   Learn at least two other languages

44)   Write a book in a different language

45)   Learn to paint

46)   Learn to sculpt

47)   Grow a pumpkin patch

48)   Grow a rose garden

49)   Buy my own burial plot

50)   Plan my own funeral

51)   Open up a bed & breakfast for families of death row inmates in Texas

52)   Open up a safe house for drug addicts and alcoholics in Arizona

53)   Open up a homeless shelter in Nevada

54)   Open up an art museum in California

55)   Plant an oak tree

56)   Open a restaurant

57)   Go camping

58)   Hike the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom and back up

59)   Produce a movie

60)   Design a clothing line

61)   Design a perfume line

62)   Build a cabin in Crown King, AZ

63)   Amass $1,000,000

64)   Type 200 words per minute

65)   Get another tattoo

66)   Visit the Bahamas

67)   Visit Barbados

68)   Climb a tree in the Redwood forest

69)   Live in CA for a year

70)   Reunite with family members I haven’t seen in years

71)   Fly a kite

72)   Drive across the United States from coast to coast

73)   See friends I haven’t seen in years

74)   Drive on the Autobahn in Germany

75)   Thank my high school teachers

76)   Bring back 80s Speed Metal

77)   Grow my hair down past my ass

78)   Do a hair helicopter at age 60 without breaking anything

79)   Write my life story at 65

80)   Learn to salsa dance

81)   Learn to cross stitch

82)   Own a farm

83)   Open a boutique

84)   Fly in a helicopter

85)   Learn American Sign Language

86)   Ride every single ride at Disneyland twice in one day

87)   Ride every single ride at Magic Mountain twice in one day

88)   Visit Disney World in Florida

89)   Sponsor a child in a third world country

90)   Keep an African Violet alive for longer than a month

91)   Open a candle shop

92)   Plan a big wedding for someone [with more than 200 guests]

93)   Create a cliché

94)   Be a guest speaker in some sort of institution for higher learning

95)   Write a book about serial killers

96)   Interview a convicted serial killer who is waiting to die on death row somewhere

97)   Ride a train to another state

98)   Build a wishing well

99)   Help find a cure for cancer

100)   Be completely content with everything in my life, where I’ve been and what I’ve done

 

Do You Like to Watch?

Definition of Cuckolding

 

 

Recently, I was approached [rather bluntly] by a married couple who wanted to engage in cuckoldry, only it was opposite of what is described above.  The wife gets off on having her husband have sex with other women, with her full knowledge.

 

I can’t help but wonder if that’s actually the case though, and it’s not just the fact that she knows her husband is bored with her and she wants to keep him around for the sake of their child, so she lets him cheat on her and publicly humiliate her.  Or maybe it’s the other way around, and she’s bored with him and just doesn’t care.  Either way, it’s a sad environment for a child to be living in.

 

In any event, the couple was very sneaky about it, and totally disrespected me in the process.  I am still very confused and a little grossed out by it, and thus decided to write a blog about it.

 

What is the right way to approach someone else for a threesome?  Well, in my experience, I’ve never had to “approach” anyone, it’s just happened naturally.  Also, I’ve never interjected myself in any marriage, because two out of the three threesomes I have had in my life resulted in the disillusionment of the couple.  They broke up, in layman’s terms.

 

When is it the right time to approach someone for a threesome?  I don’t have the answer to this question, it’s just something you know internally, and to cross that line without discussing it completely with the third party you intend to involve is borderline rape in my opinion.  Besides, if you are soliciting people you don’t really know, you run the risk for all kinds of sexually transmitted diseases.  Not very sexy.

 

I’m not passing judgment on anyone who engages in this sort of sexual practice, nor am I suggesting people should be opposed to open marriages.  It’s a beautiful thing when it’s not hurting anyone else.

 

However, when you find yourself looking up old classmates on Facebook to solicit them for sex, what has your marriage come to?

 

I’m flattered, really, but not interested in this sort of thing if someone just sees pictures of me online and has fantasies about me.  Great, you’re not alone, though, and if I actually slept with every person who jerks off to my online pictures, I’d have A.I.D.S. by now.

 

Or kids…and I’m not ready for kids, I still want to have fun.

 

Vegas Adventure Part III

Read Parts I & II Here:

http://autumnleeonline.wordpress.com/2011/07/04/vegas-adventure-part-i/

http://autumnleeonline.wordpress.com/2011/07/04/vegas-adventure-part-ii/

Walking the strip really helped take my mind off the fact that I didn’t get to meet Criss Angel, I was sorely disappointed but the circumstances surrounding the event were beyond my control.  If I had my way, I’d be able to waltz into some upscale club downtown, wearing my burgundy cocktail dress, and Criss Angel would romance me and be all over me like he was with Paris Hilton, but it was not so.  Maybe in another life, or maybe someday in the future…I can only dream.

The rest of my walk back to the Mirage was fun!  Here is photographic evidence of it.  Again, I will try to annotate and add comments to some, but please, enjoy the fruits of my labor, and Happy 4th of July!

Caesar’s Motherfuckin’ Palace

Sunset, on the Las Vegas Strip

Moi, at Caesar’s Palace

Moi, où êtes-vous?

Squinchy face! xD

De toute beauté

I’m a Capricorn, which translates to Sea-Goat, hence my obsession with Caesar’s Palace…and there’s more to that, too

I seriously heart Caesar’s…………..

CHUCKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ummm WHAT???

The guy above actually HARASSED me for a tip.  Dude…I just wanted a photo…

The beauteous end to my Vegas Adventure.  I scored this in line for only $4!  It’s got artwork AND quotes from the master himself, Criss Angel.  To Criss Angel – If you’re reading this, I love you more than I can say.  I’m not a perfect person, and I hope you understand that.  Someday, I’d love to meet you, and be by your side, touching and holding you, smelling you, loving you…I am your fan, and that’s all…but I love you more than words can say.  God bless you, my everlasting hero!  You are the best, amazing and I would be honored to meet you someday!  PLEASE…DO ANOTHER SIGNING!!!  Or call me: 602-818-xxxx HAHAHA!!  I love you, Criss Angel!!!!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Vegas Adventure Part II

As I was saying…

I didn’t get to meet Criss Angel, my feet hurt from standing for so long and I had to pee. This is me after standing in line for three hours:

Total disappointed face. Plus, I felt weird faking a smile in the Luxor bathroom, so this is the result.

Moving on, I was so hungry from all that standing, and people were making me depressed, so I decided to stop at Backstage Deli, right next to the BeLIEve box office, and get some Banana Cream Pie. It was so worth it!

I’ve been on a strict diet and have lost 50 pounds, but I had an evening of walking ahead of me, so I felt confident in this indulgence. Besides, after planning a day around something that didn’t end up happening, I think I deserved it.

Here are some more photos I took while I made my way down the strip. I’ll try to annotate and add little comments about some of them. I do actually remember the whole walk, I was sober for the entire two hours it took to walk from the Luxor back to the Mirage. Drinking and driving don’t mix!

Traffic on the Strip

Just look at the traffic! One reason I would never drive the strip. Plus, it would probably take just as long as walking it, and you wouldn’t get to enjoy as much.

More Traffic

And More Traffic…

Walking the Strip

Las Vegas Stars

Tom & Jerry

Glacier Bar

Above is a bar I passed which I was tempted to stop at. I’ll have to make a go of it next time, but I will ride the bus down there, and go at night so I can get trashed!

A Random Elvis Impersonator LOL

MORE TO COME…

 

Vegas Adventure Part I

First and foremost, Happy Independence Day weekend to all! At the time of this writing, it’s July 3 at about 5PM my time. I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday. God bless America!

Yesterday was an interesting day in the life of yours truly. I’m a workaholic, and don’t really get out very often, so when I heard that Criss Angel was having a signing for his fans, I thought it would be a great opportunity to get out of the house and meet one of my favorite celebrities. I was stoked! I stopped tweeting for a short time so I could save tweet #7777 just for the moment when I got a picture with Criss Angel, and I had planned the day around it!

Saturday arrived and I was up at 9AM, even after working until 4AM the night before. I was so excited! I would stop at Starbuck’s and have a coffee then make my way down to the strip. Stopped and got my tall, iced white chocolate mocha and relaxed for a half hour or so. Then, I drove down to the strip and parked at the Mirage.

Parking in Vegas is free, for anyone who didn’t know. I was unsure about this, and called a couple of places to check. Parking is free everywhere in Vegas, which is really nice for travelers. You can choose valet or self-parking in a garage, and since I was planning on returning to my car before it got dark, I opted for the parking garage. There are signs at the Mirage that state parking there is for guests of the hotel only, but I didn’t have a problem, and according to the concierge at Caesar’s, you don’t have to be a guest of any hotel on the strip in order to make use of their parking garages. I just wouldn’t park overnight [unless you're a guest] or you could risk getting your car towed.

I parked and walked to the Monorail station at Caesar’s & Flamingo. One ride on the Monorail is only $5, and if you want an all day pass, it’s $12. It takes about 10 minutes to get from Caesar’s to MGM Grand, which is right across the street from the Luxor. I decided to walk through Excalibur to the Luxor, and here are some photos I took along the way.

Maybe if I wouldn’t have been lolly-gagging around, I could have gotten in line sooner, and would have a picture with Criss Angel, but I was having fun! LOL! By the time I got to the Believe Store inside the Luxor, it was just after 2PM, and security/hotel staff were telling people in line, myself included, that we probably wouldn’t have a chance to meet him, because there were hundreds of people there already, and Criss Angel had to leave at precisely 6PM due to his two performances of BeLIEve, which I was privileged enough to see back in October and it’s an excellent show! Myself, along with the rest of the Loyals who were determined to meet Criss, decided to wait it out and chance it, although, I heard from one of the women who was waiting behind me in line, that you could potentially get photos of him around the other side of the store, where there was a glass window and you could see him signing autographs. After hearing the bad news from the hotel staff, I almost just dashed over there to get some photos and enjoy the rest of my afternoon, so I wouldn’t sit there steaming in anger from not being there early enough. I literally wouldn’t have gotten the chance to meet him unless I showed up at 9AM, and I worked until 4AM. I was planning to walk the strip too, and enjoy my day off, so I am very, very sorry I didn’t get to meet Criss Angel, but I live in Vegas, and I’m sure I’ll have another chance, with less of a line!

In any event, I waited another three hours in line knowing that I probably wouldn’t get to meet Criss, the moment I’d been hoping for for weeks probably wasn’t going to happen. I waited anyway. There was a young girl there who was crying when she heard the news. Another girl who left shortly after we were told it was hopeless, had driven all the way down to Vegas from Seattle, it was her 21st birthday, and she had actually been in line earlier and would have made the cut, if she didn’t have to use the bathroom. These fans deserved it more than me, and they were left with nothing, too. However, it still didn’t make me feel any better. I really, really wanted to meet Criss. I still do.

At 5:30PM, the line moved up to the entrance of the store, but we were blocked by security. I looked at the other people who had made the cut, and there were at least 200 or more who were wrapped around the back of the store. I couldn’t see everyone inside. There was no way all those people were going to be able to make it inside, so I felt for them, too. I feel for Criss, whose hand probably hurt like hell after 6 hours of signing autographs, then doing two shows on top of that. What a guy! It sucks that I didn’t get to meet him, but I got a photograph of his arm and signing hand! [Psst, he's right handed, I watched him sign a few autographs! ]

So, at least I caught another glimpse of Criss Angel in the flesh, that was nice. I feel like such a stalker, though. Hahaha! Oh well, I’m sure he’s used to my kind by now.

…TO BE CONTINUED LATER TONIGHT…

 

Grow Me a Garden of Dicks & Paint Me Green

This is kind of a follow up blog to this one: Top 10 Famous Men I Would Do

I didn’t want it to seem that I limit myself to just famous men. I like regular guys, too. You don’t necessarily have to be a celebrity to get me all hot & bothered, but there are a few guidelines I’ve set in place to weed out some men I don’t think I would have a good relationship with. It doesn’t mean I’ve never made exceptions to these “rules,” but it does mean that when I have ignored my better judgment, I have wound up regretting it, and let’s face it, I’m not getting any younger. I’d like to have at least one baby by the time I’m 40, and I don’t want to end up on Maury doing a DNA test because the guy I slept with was a player. It wouldn’t be fair to me, since I know, firsthand, that I haven’t had sex in about a year now. Guys tend to think that sexy women are sluts, but I am proof that this is not always true. I may THINK like a slut, but I am not, in truth, an actual slut.

Moving forward, I am not opposed to starting a relationship off online. It’s a great way to see the side of someone they may keep a secret from the rest of the world in their normal, everyday life. I’ve met great people this way, and I’ve met jerks this way, but in both cases, I haven’t had sex with them, so there was no actual harm done. I know that I feel a little more comfortable talking about certain things online than I would necessarily in mixed company, but then again, I don’t really get out much, and I’m a very shy person in real life. Unless I’m drunk.

Becoming friends first is very important for anyone to have a successful relationship, in my humble opinion, but sometimes, the sexual attraction is just so strong that you skip over this part and hop into bed without realizing you’ve really just killed any chance you may have had at longevity. There are, of course, exceptions to this also, but once you’ve tried the pie, you want to sample the cake, right? It’s natural. The longer you wait to try the pie, the more satisfied you are with the flavor. You may still want to sample the cake afterward, but nothing will compare to the pie if you’ve longed for it continually. You will savor that damn pie and nothing will compare. I apply this concept to men.

So there are five types of men I try to steer clear of. Here they are:

5. The Pimp

The above photo shows black men dressed as pimps, but white men can act this way as well, as can men of other ethnic backgrounds. Pray tell, what is so cool about being a “pimp?” I think it’s idiotic and really shows that the guy who thinks of himself this way is not only shallow, but quite possibly retarded and most definitely has one or more STDs. This guy probably has many excuses for not wanting to use a condom. I’ve heard “I’m allergic to latex” from numerous guys of this type. That was my cue to immediately dump this type of trash. Latex allergies do exist, but if a guy is this type of person and you find yourself competing with his ex or some other female interest for his affections and he says this to you, you’re probably going to end up with some nasty disease and who wants that? Pimps…you can suck my ass. I’m nobody’s “hoe.” I don’t even have a garden and I sure as hell don’t need another medical bill. Go fuck yourself, with your pimp hand.

NEXT!

4. The Mama’s Boy

It’s cute when a guy is close to his mom, and I think seeing the way a man treats his mom is a good indicator of how he will treat you later on in life. NOT IMMEDIATELY AFTER YOU START THE RELATIONSHIP. I have made this mistake more than once. The thing is, I don’t want to be my boyfriend’s mom. I want to be his WOMAN. If he is good to his mom, that’s awesome, it shows he has respect for women. If he can’t make a move without consulting his mom and he’s 35, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION. I am not trying to have some sort of incestuous love triangle with a dude and his mom. I WANT A REAL RELATIONSHIP. Bottom line, women are jealous and possessive by nature, it’s just the way we were made. If a guy is so tied up in his relationship with his mom, she will eventually get him to see why you’re not good enough for him. Even if you are. It doesn’t matter, because you will never win the battle with his mom. She is his mom, and if he is that obsessed with her, you might as well just give up and move on. Take it from me, don’t fight with someone else’s mom. You WON’T win.

4. The Intellectual

I’m not saying I want a dumb guy, but seriously, I don’t want a guy who is so smart he corrects everything I say and do. That’s my job. This type is another version of the “Pimp” but he probably doesn’t get laid as often. I like an intellectual conversation, but I also like to be right sometimes. A guy with a higher IQ than me isn’t something that’s too important. He will more than likely make me feel dumb at one point or another, and he won’t be sorry for it. Again, that’s MY job as the woman. I have the vagina. I think a guy who is super smart should have a girl who is also super smart, but the thing is, the intellectual guys like hot chicks too. Either way, he’s not going to be happy if he has to pretend he’s wrong for me, and I’m not going to be happy if he’s constantly correcting me. Leave this one for the vultures.

2. The Bullshitter

For obvious reasons. Who wants to date a liar? Not me. This guy has been everywhere, done everything and could pass for the intellectual for a little while, but eventually, his lies will catch up with him and you’ll find out about a secret life, kids he never talks about or a criminal record. I don’t need drama in my life, I have enough of my own problems. A liar is content to lie because he doesn’t like the reality of his life. Let him do this to someone else, like his mom. Oh, he’s probably a mama’s boy too. Yikes.

NEXT!

1. The Small Dick Haver

I can overlook a lot if a guy has a decent sized cock. By decent sized, I mean you can SEE IT PROTRUDING FROM BEYOND HIS STOMACH. This picture above is not only disgusting and offensive, but sad. Imagine the smell. Or don’t, it’s almost lunchtime and I don’t want to ruin anyone’s appetite. Anyway, like I was saying. If a guy has a decent sized cock, I can overlook a lot, and so can lots of other women, but if it’s small, I can’t work with it. I need pleasure and he does too. If a guy I’m dating has a small dick, I will break up with him as soon as I find out. Why bother trying to have sex? No one is going to feel anything anyway. He will end up blaming the women he’s with, saying they are loose, when the problem is really him. This type of guy probably beats women, too, so who wants that? Not me.

In a nutshell, I want a fun-loving, happy guy who loves his family but doesn’t NEED them to survive. I want a guy who likes to be himself and who can admit when he’s wrong. I want a guy who has a decent sized penis and knows how to use it. I want a guy who uses condoms, and if he has a legitimate latex allergy, he can back it up with documentation from a doctor, which will also prove he’s actually been to one and probably has no STDs. I want a guy who loves life and loves himself just the way he is, so he doesn’t have to lie.

Where are you????? I’M FUCKING HORNY!!!

 

“I Walk Alone” & a Sketch

I wrote this poem when I was 15. LOL enjoy!

I walk alone
Into the world of hate and anger
I stare into the eyes of death and laugh
My immortality has proved prevalent

I walk alone
Holding hands with God as he watches
Tearing apart the true essence of life
Leaving a trail of blood behind me

I tread on you
Smashing your soul and crushing your mind
Burning your dreams, castrating your emotions
You beg me for mercy, I spit in your eye
I walk alone

I walk alone
Peering behind the curtains of venom
Lurking beneath the depths of hell
Ripping away the flesh of my lies

I walk alone
Remembering once when my smile was alive
Trashing those memories with my tears
Eating away at the heart that once was

I scream my name
Scratching to remember what it once meant
Laughing at the pain in my empty heart
Stabbing at what’s left of my mortal life
I walk alone

I walk alone
Witnessing the aftermath of homicide
The killing of my body, but I never died
But the pain within my soul leads to my suicide
I walk alone

Still, I walk alone

A sketch I drew a few years ago.