I wasn’t even going to write this. I thought about it a couple of days ago, and said to myself that I would wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow came and went and now it’s today. Confused yet? Yeah, well…so am I.
What if I told you that you could have anything you want? Would you believe me? I would be lying in essence, because some things are never meant to be, but for the most part, if you try hard enough, you can. Why, though, does it seem that some people get more than they deserve while others are left pining for scraps left on the ground by the ungrateful?
I am not bitter, not at all actually. Quite the contrary, in fact. I am happy with my life. Sure, there could be more to it, but I have lived through a lot and am in a comfortable place now. You would never know by looking at me or talking to me that I have been through many nightmares, and I probably would never talk about them because I hate it when people think I am trying to tell them some sob story to gain sympathy. Sympathy is counterproductive, in my opinion. While it can be helpful to the psychic vampire, it is definitely a hindrance to someone if they are to live to their fullest potential. Empathy is well received by me, because it means that person knows what I am going through and can help me in the way I need it, if I need it. Not that I’m really going through anything in particular, but I think you get my drift.
I have been thinking a lot, I do that sometimes, and I have realized that in recent years, I have developed a fear of intimacy. This is not something I ever thought I would have a problem with because I am naturally a very loving and affectionate person, but I am tired of being hurt, used, lied to and back-stabbed. I do not think all people are bad, but I do not want to set myself up for heartbreak so I close myself off most of the time.
Wah wah wah…cry me a river, right? Yeah, well, I don’t really cry either. Maybe I should. Tears can be healing, but unless I am in a situation where I feel helpless, I don’t cry. Everything can be helped. Everything can be changed to some degree. Having hope is healing, though it can be crippling, but if you are realistic about hope and stay positive, that in itself is enough to sustain you.
I have never really been one to cry on someone else’s shoulder. I am always the one others seek out when they need a shoulder to cry on. I think this is a good thing to be depended on, but it has its moments where I feel that I am needed too much. This makes me appear cold at times, which I am not, but something has to be preserved for myself, you know? I can’t give it all away.
I am being very introspective, I know, but I needed this. I do not keep a diary aside from this blog. I have several blogs, but it seems I have really developed a strong attachment to this one. I am myself here. You know me. I’d give you a hug, but it’s kind of hard to touch you through a computer. :)
In closing, I would just like to say thank you for reading this. I am not really looking for any kind of answer, I just needed to write this and make sense of what I am feeling.
